"Say what you may, i am not bothered anymore"
The term "anymore" in this sentence changes its meaning. To say "anymore", it showed that one used to care, maybe cared so deeply. But with the presence of "anymore", sad to say that this issue that may have once been regarded as a matter close to heart has become one of that issue that is simply not worth one's time. It is probably the type of issue one feels numbed to because it has happened one time too many. The term "anymore" could also possibly show that one has matured (little or alot) and has move on to bigger worries worth deserving of one's time. And then i'd say congratulation, for overcoming issues that may have once made you feel mad due to the amount of time you spent on at dwelling at such a petty issue.
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Now its february and it means results in a couple of weeks and my heart beats so fast thinking about it!!! I am seriously clueless of how it'd turn out because things like this are kinda unpredictable and i dont wanna hope. Things so far up to this date has been pretty fine and there are incidents that made me happy and sad and wanna forget it and messes everything but its life, goes in a circle.
I've tried to enjoy work and i cant help but feel bad at having to turn down my colleagues who asks me so nicely to exchange shifts with me. Everytime i get to the store i'd tell myself im already here so why not make the most of it and just ignore the issues that doesnt make me feel happy and just think of the off days i'd have. Since cny is approaching, that means more off but it also means that everyone else is going back home while im stuck here due to work but i seriously hope there's transportation left to bring me back because i wanna be with family. While working unexpected things may happen (hahahaha unexpected things always happen all the time so thats why its... unexpected? -.-) just like yesterday of how i turned around to serve the customer and there i saw him looking right at me, both of us unsure and clueless of what to say. But its all in the past and i can safely say its really over and i feel this some sort of liberation and im kinda glad yesterday happened though it made me tremble for quite some time.
Anyway im in the midst of reading this amazing book (which i'll share once im done reading it)(hahahhaha ckp mcm ade beribu org yg baca blog ni) and it quoted a phrase i've heard one time too many "A mother is like a school". The book went on to briefly mention about how studies show that in societies where the women is educated, the economy of that area will change greatly. I thought about greatly and then i remember my mother and how she brought me up telling me stories of the different Nabi, of the Muslim women we should emulate and of plenty other different things. It made me realise that my mother is indeed like a school. Upon this realisation, i scolded myself for being so silly for desiring so greatly to enter motherhood while in a stage where my "knowledge tank" in me is not even half full. Of course motherhood would not be easy but I somehow managed to overlook the fact of just how tough it would be. My supergirls were shocked when about my motherhood dreams and i used to feel sad that they dont feel the same way but now i can understand their concerns and reservation. They realised that motherhood requires plenty of preparation and now i've realised it too. I still have so much more to learn, to prepare myself for questions that my offsprings may ask me (like why doesnt the MRT have wheels, how does the water gets to the tap, stories of Nabi and the messages behind each Surah in the Quran). I have so much more to learn and i shudder at realising how silly i was at wanting to enter motherhood when i myself have so many questions unanswered (like how are clothes prepared in factories). Hah i'm not even sure i'd pass to get onto the next education level. The bottomline is that i am quite embarrassed at myself for wanting motherhood when i have not reach such a maturity level and still get upset at silly things (like when a store doesnt sell the candy that i want) and is not knowledgeable enough to answer my offspring weird and random questions and especially their homework questions (like math).
So, imma spend my february and months after this absorbing knowledge and understanding it and passing it on so that others can benefit too. And have a great time in feb because who knows what march will bring (or would we even get there) :/