{Saturday, January 26, 2013} 2:36 PM
I always wanna share my thoughts on this site but i get too paranoid about who is reading, who is judging and whether the content of the words i say now would have an undesired effect on me in the future. This year i embarked on a new experience, which is to be employed. I dont know if my job is bad or is it good because i have no past experience to compare it with. The situation im in cant be desribed at bad either because what is what is the guideline for it to be considered "bad"? As a matter of now, i can still tolerate and enjoy it. So i guess.. its good? *shrugs* this is all new experience to me and i am taking it in and i realise that i should let go and place what happened yesterday, at yesterday. Let me start everday with a a new page to collect new scoldings, compliments and nonsense. But i am tired. Everyone who is working says so haha i am tired due to the long extended hours that i suddenly have to do and the back aches that comes unexpectedly. These two factors are the main reasons for tiring me out and i would sometimes sit down and wonder why am i doing this, why am i working so hard. I remind myself that this a job trusted to me to complete it but i find myself using this same reason to say yes to things i clearly dont want. And then i will get mad and upset at myself. Right. Other than that, i've been spending my time going to talks and there was one talk where the speaker mentioned something along the lines of- if you can affect one's life to make it better, stay with them and keep praying for them. At that moment, realisation dawned upon me and i start to work on this relationship that i seriously considered to give up. I tried to make it work but how much more can i just swallow? I like to give people the benefit of doubt but i just run out of logical reasons/excuses to explain your actions. Hati aku betul-betul sakit and it has been truly a very long time since anyone had this effect on me. I want to change and be better cus i know that we are suppose to keep our ties and not break them, that we have to control our anger and that silence is better than words spoken in a fit of anger. But what if your hati sakit sangat? This is not really much of sadness or angry but more like disapppintment. And trust being broken. I can forever live to make excuses for such actions but my heart hurts. I just... dont get it.