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FRI(END)

For a long time recently, i believed that this was so true. A levels have ended and i have only met one fifth of the people i've been dying to meet. I tried to get hold of them but they either never reply or always too busy. One can only take rejection a few times, and after that you will really start to believe your thoughts- that these people do not wish to be your friends anymore. It broke me, real bad. I can deal with break ups with silly boys, but going apart with friends is something i can never grasp with and most of the time i just deny it and shove it to the back of my head and believe that magically, one day, things will be back like it was before. It was a dark time, i was down most of the time walking aimlessly. I really missed these people, who knew me before i got this stage. I wanted to see them and talk to enjoy and enjoy myself in their presence. But the distance they put..... made me feel unworthy of their time. I really thought i was alone. BUT THAT WAS SO SILLY BECAUSE I KNOW I ALWAYS HAVE GOD. Thus i kneel before Him and i realised that if i were to fix my relationship with Him, he would fix my relationship with people around me. I prayed that if was good for us to be friends, please bring us together. But if its better for us not to be friends, then let it be and i asked for Him to put my heart at ease. And He always listens. Soon after i received texts from friends i've missed like mad, tweets from friends i wanna reach out to so badly but cant because i feel unworthy of their time and i get to meet friends that i truly love. It made me realise that God is truly the best planner. Even though things arent good now, it wont always be this way. Surely, LIKE ALL THINGS, THIS TOO SHALL PAST.

So it is not FRI(END), its just FRIEND.

This brings me to my paragraph about how i will share my year with the cyber world and probably my future employers too. Please make sure you have done your prayers, done what your parents have told you, have taken appropriate eye breaks before continuing. This post will always be here but it will take your time that you will never get back *warns*

2012 has been dark, enlightening, deep, crazy. It was my A levels year and until now it still feels crazy that im done with A levels. I remembered how i was in school and wanted to just have the school all to myself cus the j1s were occupying the stairs too much and preventing me from getting to my class asap (but this feeling usually last for just that 2 minutes haha). It was pretty silly of how i wished that in jc i would meet the guy and get to know him and then postpone our relationship and meet again only few years later to get married. IT WAS SUCH A MAD THOUGHT and i still havent met him but now im thankful (but more on this later). I had the company of such amazing girls in 2012 and i cant be more thankful. There were so many challenges this year, especially with Napfa. Every breaks was the same like always, trying to catch that eye hahahahahaahha breaks were often spent at the regular seat and we would often grumble when its taken. But we got over it. It was a mad rush with so many assignments to complete. We had to be full of energy and healthy that we would bring goodies and enjoy it on the way to classes. It was fun, bringing tidbits everyday and sharing it. 

2012 saw me handling relations especially with friendship. So many days i felt sick to the stomach because those around me cant seem to accept me who is like... this. It was tough, because they didnt grew up with me in sec sch and really take into heart all that i said. It was sad for me to know that i've hurt them and for a long time i avoided them for i fear may hurt them more. It made school unbearable and i was really walking on a thin fine line. I dislike confrontation and when they did it, it took me a long time to react and in the end i just swallowed and prayed to God to help me and in His amazing ways, He did :) There were also other friends that i didnt really understand and being friends was them was not that easy. It was such a trial but we worked it out and im glad we are where we're at now. This year made me open up to different type of people, and had me handling different forms, stages and types of friendships. There were friends who were like biscuits that had me forever sitting waiting for them, there were friends that made me wanna avoid them because i felt so bad i couldnt help them and there were friends that i thought i would never meet and love like the way i do now. 2012 also made me finally accept that as time change, so does the friendship that i have from people i've met pre-jc.I miss these friends, my primary and secondary school friends. They have this special place in my heart that i can never ever replace. I always wonder why our friendship didnt work out, why were are like this when we used to be so damn freaking close. One of the reason could be that i didnt reach out. But it may also be because of the situation we are in, of how things around us have changed and is still changing. Deep down, we may still be the same silly 12 yr old or 15 yr old us but thats just too way deep in and we need time to work on getting there, time that we have never manage to spend together because. For a long time i denied that our friendship may never be the same like how i wanted it to be and this year i slowly opened up my heart and mind to accept things as they are and that even if they dont miss me, its okay because i miss them and i will always be here for them despite all. I love them once, i'll continue loving them. These people impacted my life differently and made me realise things i would have been able to realise by myself and for that i am thankful for them and i just want them to know that although i may seem different, i am still me and is still here to help them in any way they can.
I must admit it tore me that out friendship is not like before but im learning to accept that now and i will try to work harder to keep this friendship between us alive.

Now about those silly boys. Hah lumrah manusia untuk mahu mencintai dan dicintai kan? It was so silly but one day, one of the girls told me ISLAM BEFORE BOYS. That message shook me to my core. And also the book Syurga Cinta. That book helped me alot, in ways i cant imagine. It made me realise about Zina Hati. We may not be alone with those not our mahram, we may not be obviously doing maksiat, we may not even be meeting, calling or texting. But if our heart misses them more, misses them in ways that we're not allowed to, its not good.I realised that we need to learn to love God, for He is the One who allowed us to feel this way. How can we love another when we dont love the One who allowed us these feelings? The character in my book made me realise that its okay, its normal that i have no crushes, for it is enough already for me to love God. God is perfect and verily, in the remembrance of God does our heart find peace. It was such an enlightening period for me. Also, since i need to collect information about the world for my general paper, i began listening to Ted talks and watching documentary and through this it made me realise what is important. I normally watch shows on third world countries and the plight of girls worldwide. The stories that i hear shatters my heart and made me so thankful. These girls are married off at such a young age and then they have babies and their whole life is already settled for them. When interviewed, these girls only have one wish- TO GO TO SCHOOL. There were also stories of how kids were not well fed and thus unhealthy and cannot really enjoy school, or that their surrounding were not really clean or that they lack resources to get the education that they really deserve. All these made me love school, believe or not. It made me realise how damn lucky i am to have proper transportation, building, resources for me to learn it. Everytime i felt like giving up because studying for A's was so mad, i think of them and i have this renewed energy. Even if im not doing it for myself, im doing it for them, for the kids who would do anything to be in my position. And since i am more energetic about school, i finally understood the term of "prioritizing". I was more encouraged to study and get my grades and i really didnt have time to bercintan-cintun and thus boys were out of the question. Now, i am happy. Though there were occasional thoughts of how i'd be nice to be in a relationship, i throw it off by thinking about neraka. People are always wishing OH I WISH I HAVE A MAN LIKE ADAM (from adam and hawa) or whatever but i think people are getting it wrong. I feel that FOR YOU TO ATTRACT THAT TYPE OF MATE, YOU HAVE TO BE THAT TYPE OF PERSON YOU WANNA ATTRACT. Like you want a good man, you have to be a good girl. You want a responsible, untainted, respectful man, you have to be like that. You have to groom yourself to be worthy of someone like that. Everyone wants the good things, so you have to be good for people to want you. NOW IS THE TIME FOR US TO GROOM OURSELVES TO ATTRACT THE PERFECT MATE and not really the time to start wishing for someone good while ourselves still much room for improvement. So here i am, trying to groom myself and keeping my heart, mind, feelings clean and trusting God to bring him to me when the time is right.

As i mentioned, this 2012 was dark. Its my A level year. Never have i studied till i cried, never have i felt so strongly for something to end. It was dark because i wanted to do so damn well but it was so tough at the same time. I could feel my brain expanding and contracting at the same time and this voice inside me is pleading to stop because it was just so demanding. It was dark because it was a situation ive never been in and i prayed for no one to ever feel the way i do and that i dont have to go through it again. It was so dark because i didnt allow myself to feel any excitement, sadness and everything else because these feelings would divert me away from studying and take away my focus. It was so dark because i had to numb all feelings, i had to ignore and deny the feelings i had when i ran into problems with my friends, i had to numb all feelings when there were happy occasion happening (like weddings) because i cant be too happy (and be thinking of marriage and not my studies -.-) But despite all the dark times, it was enlightening because through studying general paper, it made me realise so much more about the world and the way it works. Econs, hist and mll also played a role in impacting my life, of how the economic world works, or why two countries are behaving that way and espcially made me appreciate the arts more through looking and pondering about the message the director wants to convey to us. This year was deep too because my bubble that the world is perfect has popped. I was able to see more clearly about the flaws that exist, about the problems that is not really clearly, about the situation of those being undermined. I began to learn and understand how the world works and for that i felt so much smarter and enlightened hehe.

This year i had managed to watch an amazing plays, both theater and dance and i managed to catch a live show!!!! It feels nice being at this age but it also meant more responsibility for me but i am coping.

This year also has been very special cus i finally put on the hijab. At first i thought it was just covering the head but how naive of me! I am thankful for my friends that made me realise that its more than that. With the hijab on, i have been able to watch my actions because the hijab acts as a reminder for me to protect myself and avert my gaze. With the hijab on, i can no longer speak loudly, have long gaze at those attractive looking, have open relationship with those not my mahram. It helped enforce the barriers i must have around me and the effect is that i feel so much more at peace and able to control myself from purposely committing sins. I have to watch what i say, feel, wear, think, eat and basically everything else. It has developed me to seriously think before i talk, think before i act. The hijab has helped me and made me feel more secure and in a way made me feel respected because those who sees me in a hijab will know that im a muslim girl and that there are boundaries they should also practice when seeing/talking/acting with me. It also made me realise to not be sombong or angkuh and to forever upgrade myself as a muslimah because there is just so much more i have to learn. I am forever thankful to God Almighty for allowing me this journey, for finally opening my heart to the hijab and i will forever pray to him to guide me, along with my friends that i love so dearly to join me in this beautiful journey to chase His Jannah. I pray to God to open the hearts of my friends and for Him to bring them nearer to Him. 

This year i worked myself to become closer to God and this is on the top of the list for the things that i am thankful for. This year i have also learnt about learning TO LOVE THOSE AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. Honestly i dont know much about this quote, what it truly means but literally i can get the gist of it and it has helped me so much. This academic has been a mad run where you always wanna emerge on top and of course there are times when you'd feel envy of your friends because they are doing so much better than you AND ITS SO SILLY cus you guys are friends and should be happy for each other. Thus this quote comes into play. I try so hard to make myself practice it and i am seeing the effects. I feel slightly better and i try to feel genuinely happy for my friends. Also, i held on tightly to DONT COMPARE STRUGGLES and TRUST YOUR STRUGGLES. There are times when i see people having such good life and i feel envy and these quotes that i say over and over in my head helps to ease me. I have to believe God has good plans for all our us and we have to be patient and strong in going through the challenges because like i mentioned earlier, LIKE ALL THINGS, THIS TOO SHALL PAST.

Now that i am working, i am learning the importance of family, friends and time and money. I guess this about sums up my 2012 and i'll add more in the next post if i remember any.

And also, my 18th birthday this year was so damn special that im pretty sure i'll remember it for a long time. Ever since my 13th birthday, my bff has been there to spend it with me and i hope it'll be like that for a very long time.

For 2013, i havent really thought about my plans but im hoping i could travel by myself, further my education and be a better muslimah and work on my closet, my speech, my thoughts and restraining myself from all evils. If God willing.

I hope this post has been okay for you and that you dont feel that it was a waste of time. I realised so much about so many things this year and i just wanna share with everyone so that could make it a lesson learnt for them too and not make the mistakes that i made. 

Lots of love, xx