{Tuesday, November 27, 2012} 10:23 PM

So here is gonna be a write up for my A levels.

I must say, it is so different from O lvls. The rigour the unexpectedness the anxiety, everything is so different. This journey towards the A levels was atrocious that i never wanna do it again (and i hope i dont have to)

The last three months to A's was so tough. Everyday, i sat infront of the table, stare at the wall table and my books. My attention span is so bad that i will constantly have to provide rewards for myself to ensure that i will study. It was so tough. I dread it every single day but i cant run away. That process was necessary.

I had to numb all my feelings. Frustration anger sadness, coming from all angles, i had to suppress it. Even happiness. Couldnt be too happy, excited about things after A's cus then i'll be distracted. Couldnt have negative feelings fill my heart cus then it'll screw my study timetable.

All the time while i was studying.. i kept saying that i'll never do this again, that i wish nobody would have to go through the process i went through cus it was so demanding.

With my head throbbing chanting "pls stop", it was indeed a very tough time for me. The day before the ppr, i was damn nervous and it took the better of me. For my first two papers, i was filled with negativity when it ended but i told myself it had to change, no way am i gonna kept this feeling.

And i went into the room, faced the paper head on and leaving nothing out. I poured my heart and soul, gave all i got into it and i really hope it would reflect on my results.

Now that A's is over, i am filled with different sets of worry, things that doesnt just revolve around school and the immediacy of these new types of worries occupying my heart and mind is so... mindblowing. Previously my life was just school, nothing else. But now, i have to think of my future my surrounding my financial status, every single little thing and it... scares me.

Nowadays i havent been doing much except for paying attention to my feelings. All these while i had to numb it and now that i have allowed myself to embrace these feelings and be all emo, and it has been... quite nice.

Given that A's is over, i no longer have to confront that one subject i would normally dread. But there's this feeling inside me, this feeling of oddness. I realised that i have probably grown accustomed to fighting the dreadness and confronting the subject head on despite my reluctance, that saying to goodbye to it is proving to be tougher than i thought. I really did pour my heart and soul into it and i really hope it shows in my results.

I hope.