{Wednesday, September 19, 2012} 1:39 AM
Finally im back on this site. I am unsure of who is reading but i'd like to think that someone is reading and is secretly enjoying it because i secretly enjoy reading people's blog even though i dont know them personally.

So what shall i talk about...... Hmm.....
Ramadan was amazing because of the terawih i was able to attend and all the things i controlled myself from doing. I felt more conscious of my actions as i was fasting and in the hijab. It does make ramadan feel worthy and i am praying for long health so i'll be able to meet the next ramadan. One thing that saddens me though is  though there were things i didnt do in ramadan, i still continue it again when ramadan is over. Things like talking bad about others, swearing swearing swearing,my anger my anger my anger my anger my anger, not controlling my thoughts and gaze. These were things i strictly controlled when i was fasting because "kan kite tengah berpuasa". But when ramadan is over, i start swearing scolding people casually say things even though it hurts people and stuff like that.  I resume back to my old character. And the best part, i dont feel as guilty as i did during ramadan because "sekarang kan dah tak puasa". Oh God please forgive me. I seem to forget that God is everywhere hearing watching me. Regardless its ramadan or not, whatever i do will still be recorded and questioned in Judgement day. I feel so.... angry at myself for not being able to continue the change. Ramadan was a good start and now i just need to carry through. Thus i've decided that it will be my Zulkaedah resolution that i will try my best to champion this change and carry it on even though its after ramadan.

Hmm next... school has been so "go with the flow". Like.. oh its exam? ok study..... oh tmr got class? ok study.... I mean, it is my duty to study but at times i feel that im studying just for the sake of it. Just for the sake of studying. I dont really approve of this mentality because i prefer to study for the knowledge and not "just for the sake of it". Now that prelims is over, next is already the A level. The road has been tough because i dont feel the urgent desire for it. I realised what it means when tv says "do what you love". Cause if you do smthg for the sake of others, the difference in the end result will be significant. I pray for the the feelings to grow, for myself to urgently, desperately wanting it but so far..... But sometimes i do get the urge to want it, especially after watching kids who are deprived from education. Here i am, blessed with one of the best education system and yet i refuse to do it. So thank God for this type of situation that makes me feel blessed of what i have and to fully utilise it to encourage myself to achieve success.

There are so many things i want let out. So many issues im dealing with that i wanna complain to someone about. But i've learnt once too many that these people wont always be able to give you the answer you wanna hear. And i dislike it when that happens cause personally, i feel that your advice is not sincere etc but actually its just myself that is not open to other alternatives. Thus i prefer to keep it to myself and let this be a matter between me and God.

And also, feelings are such tricky issues.