Personally i've had many differences with this king of my heart. Our relationship is complicated with ups and downs its very hilly. For quite a long time, i couldnt understand him he couldnt understand me and we always fought. Our relationship was... bad terrible horrible. We were different in many different ways.
But now as i grow up, become more intellectual (ceh), able to judge, i realise that he loves he cares and he cherish. Only that he doesnt show. I realise that him and i are more similar than we can ever imagine and i am truly like him in a lot of various aspects. As i grow up, i realise that the value of our relationship and i feel truly proud to have his name in mine.
Ok besides that, these past few days has been tough. Relationships going estranged, people drifting apart, and ignoring some others. I dont get a lot of things, why is this happening what is the reason behind it am i doing the right thing what did i do wrong why am i punished this way why am i doing this to do why what how argh just too many to deal with. Actually there is nothing much but your thoughts, my thoughts, and silly feelings always gets in the way make things look tougher than they are. My own inability to change, to learn from past mistakes is making me repeating it again. Although i reason with myself a great deal that its actually his fault too, i still feel that its all my fault.The inability to get over it, is destroying the relationship.
I feel so selfish- to save myself, i break others. But i really cannot take this right now, it is totally not the time. I thank God for the text earlier, showing signs that he understood so it feels that a lil burden is lighted off.
And you know the feeling of disappointment? Like you've been hurt one time too many that you are scared to try it again. I am all about avoiding something, completely avoid it, if i know its gonna hurt me. I feel disappointed in many few things recently. Like studies for example. But i cannot give up cus that totally losing already no argument there so i just the i can accept the results! So besides studies, there are friends im disappointed with. Though there are no specific great reasons as for why im disappointed in them, i guess its an accumulation of events and actions that made me feel so let down. Of course i cant change them bcus at this age, its tough. Thus i thought avoiding would be a better solution. Till at least im able to recover from the disappointment.But till now, i cant seem to get over it. The feeling of gonna be hurt again, triumphs over any other feeling of yearn, and such.
There's this particular case, that i didnt pay much attention to thus it didnt really affect me that it happened. But as talks on it increased, i become increasingly disturbed by the event to the extent that i wanna shout what is wrong with you snap out of it!!!!!!! But of course that silly and wont solve anything. I see this situation as a... bad attempt? A bad attempt to make it seem that you are happy/fine/not alone/enjoying this when in truth... you're arent.
But then again idk the truth.
But its just then i am getting more irritated with this whole thing. Why are people so inconsistent in their actions? If you wanna act all moody, might as well go all out doing it, with your eyebrows scrunched together, your eyes mad, your smile upside down, like there's a cloudy sky above you. If you wanna triumph individualism at this stage, segregate yourself, and be good at doing it. If you wanna make amends, do it properly, do it through out. If you wanna change, change to be better.
Do whatever you wanna do with all your heart, jangan melepaskan batuk di tangga!!!!
Its just that im so mad for the huge reason that i dont understand why this is happening. I dont understand this game you are playing, or this trick you are pulling specifically at me.
Whats even worse is that i wasnt bothered before but now im more than bothered.
These feelings of anger, jealously, irritatedness(?) is gonna get the better of me