Jan-
I got my result I was sitting at the chair and then decided ok imma take it now and I rushed to the table to take it and shakingly throw it apart and when I saw my r4 I thought ok great imma jump now and hug everyone and got someone sad because I didn’t hug her first.
Then I had the nyaa camp which was probably the sweetest moment of the year because I spent most of the time with the guy I adored for 4 years.
I got my school posting and orientation was like
There was also the 4A chalet and it was probably that memory that survived me for the first two months of school.
Mar-
THE BEST 17TH. I was surprised by my new classmates and my bff accompanied me to redeem my free ice cream. KN and the family made me a nutella cake and surprised me with it.
May just remembered dying for summer test.
June-
I remembered this month clearly. I had PRE U SEM!!!! And GE reunion dinner. Then ODAC camp to KL! And then we went to meet my grandma and when we returned back, I remembered being in my room unpacking my bag and the phone rang and I was wondering who would call on this Sunday afternoon. And then I remembered my mom choking on her tears telling my grandmother, the one who took care of me for my first 5 years and whom I did not have the chance to take care or repay any of her kindness, died. I remembered laughing because I didn’t knw how to react and it got serious suddenly and I was scrambling what to do now go her house what do I bring!!!! I quickly got dressed and nearly ran all the way to her place when I remembered it was quite an impossible feat so we went together and everyone was crying and I couldn’t look at my grandmother and when we had to kiss her I felt… nothing but after I saw her body put inside the van, chills ran over me and everyone tried to lighten up and everyone knew it’ll never be the same. The next day was Ramly’s birthday and I went to visit him at his house and told him about my grandmother and he just stoned, not knowing how to react. It was tough, having to go to school and I must say I was quite till the end of the month. I guess then I was in denial and I think I still am now.
July-
This was the month we had 1A reunion dinner? And I remembered Nin being not so happy that I didn’t tell her about my grandmother. Its not because I didn’t wanna say but because it was difficult just thinking about it what more saying it out. And I didn’t know how to react so… Besides having to deal with the passing of my grandmother, my caretaker for 13years had to leave to reunite with her family again and I remembered having spent the last few weeks before her departure just staring at her, looking at her cook clean laugh. I miss her so much but I know she is happy now but I cant stop feeling ‘I want her back’. It is pretty selfish because she has her own family but she has been there all the time, when I found out about it, when I got really sick and couldn’t move and fainted all around the house. She understands my anger and know how to react and tolerate. She knows how to fight back and always make me feel better. It was certainly very difficult but I know she is happy and im sure she would be happy with the better person I am trying to turn into.
August-
RAYA MONTH! I made a video for my ij girls and it was pretty interesting and raya this year was quite sad because I didn’t go jln raya with any of my friends besides GE. So maybe next year?
Oct-
At my cousin’s wedding, I remembered my mother entering the room with tears in her eyes ad im like, haih my cousin getting married and you are the one crying. She hugged me so tightly and im not a hugger so I just pat gently, awkward not knowing what to do and then she told me Kak Long passed away. I was like WHAT MY AUNT?! And sadness filled my heart and then my mom corrected me saying it was my 18 yr old cousin. I was like Oh and then I realised what she meant and then there were tears in my eyes and then I was stumped and acted a zombie pretty much the whole night. I was stumped, in denial definitely but my heart was so heavy. Everyone was in a festive mood and it was already 8pm and I hadn’t eaten the whole day because I was busy with the guest table. I was suppose to go and eat before my mom told me the news. So now that I know the news I had to gather the courage and go eat to save myself but my heart was so so so heavy. In the end I sat at a corner and looked in the space with tears in eyes and the song playing in the background was Selamat Malam and my daddy was patting my back telling me to be strong and all I wanted to do was just… cry. It was truly a difficult night, having my cousin who is so close to me finally finding his happy ending and I should be happy but yet my cousin whom I missed so dearly on the other side of the country having to deal with the passing of her sister. My heart was so heavy for the many more weeks to come. This news I didn’t tell anyone because it was just so difficult.
She was young had so my dreams and full of life. Her passing was really unexpected and till now whenever I say her name in my doa I try not to think to much of it because I know I would end up lying on the mat crying uncontrollably. Her passing made me realize how death is so unexpected and life is really so short and for the months to come, her passing made me think of akhirat and whether I am ready for it.
I miss her… so much.
Nov-
This month I went to Indonesia and I already made a full blogpost about that. It was (come to think of it) a truly educational trip as I learnt about the country, about my friends, about adaptation and mostly about myself. I really wanna go there again and do what I missed or didn’t get to experience fully.
Besides that PW ended so November 2011 was truly a month which I feel like a teenager and not some student fiercely memorizing all potential answers for exams and trying to compete with the ‘outside world that is trying to eat me up’ and feeling so drained and tired from doing it.
Dec-
After Indonesia I was sick for a whole week and then we went to Langkawi. Another perfect gateway with weather being so lovely and I truly enjoyed the time there.
And now in December it for sure ended. No more farhan, zilch nada zero. Our get-to-know each other session has ended after several grueling years of figuring out where each of us stand into the other’s heart and though I am reluctant, this decision is what makes him happy so here I am handing it to him. (Whats perfect is that I have Back to December to remind me, just great)
Besides that several weeks earlier I celevbrated KN’s birthday, went to camp which made me think of akhirat in a more intense degree and spent time enjoying with akmal and my aunts and cousins and the whole extended family.
And the highlight of this year, ought to be that- me adopting the hijab. Now that all the people that matters to me (lf, ramly, KN, mfh shaktikuu, wondergirls) know of it, it feels right to next put it up here for whoever to know (just fyi). It has been an…… experience given all the mixed reactions I’ve received but I am adamant to take the next step to do what is asked of me by my religion. And this might be one way for me to get closer to Him.
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So i am starting this year without my grandmother, my cousin and my bibik who i miss very much. Also there is no farhan. They have been such constant in my life and without them, there is this empty space and heavyness in my heart.
But i guess imma be alright because i have everyone else :)
(AND GUESS WHO IS STARTING THE YEAR WITH A NEW HAIRCUT )