me "eh alamak the idea of winning is by a strategy.... how do i rephrase?"

the ans? "oh strategy like plan eh?"

I was of course just thinking out loud and this smart six yr old said plan. Wow i am impressive and thank you for the answer. Then i asked her to gimme a word that starts with M. I was thinking she'd probably say money or makan. But she said...... minister. Impressed #2. Minister is one word that i would probably won't think of on the spot.

She noticed the distressed look and asked whats wrong. I really wanna say it out because its killing me. I try to string sentences to say it out, try to put it in a positive tone but the negativity has overcame the whole situation and i dont have any nice pleasant words to describe what im feeling. In the end, i answered by giving rhetorical questions. Of course she was not happy, her expression said it all- oh so now you dont believe me to even hint to me whats bothering you? I just gave her a weak smile. Its not that i dont wanna say it out loud. I really wanna say it out because its just killing me inside. But i know, because ive been in that position, that whatever i'll say will be used by you to form a perception of me. I do not want your perception, your judgement of me, to be based on what i said at a spur of the anger moment. I feel like its so unfair for me. Also, i do not want to influence your judgement based on what i said. It'll be unfair to the party we're talking about, despite how much i am not on their side. Lastly i do not wanna say my concern out loud because when it comes out, it becomes real. And thats the problem, i want to remain in denial about this situation. I do not want it to be real because if i accept this fact, it will not bring me good.

And yet at the same time, its killing me.

Funny how a silly a situation can land you in such a distress.