I want to eat all those things. I miss how it tastes in my mouth. How delicious, tasty, sweet, juicy it tastes like.. The taste is now all so distant away. I wish it is as easy as calling the delivery and getting it sent over. Eh actually it is. But thats where all the easy part lasts. My tummy cant process these food any longer i can keep them down. My tummy has been upset cus i refused to eat now its so upset till it doesn’t want to accept anythg. I guess this is all my fault, i should have seen this coming. Ive been skipping meals, all cus im not hungry and its a lie actually. I neglected the fact that sometimes its been 12hrs stratight i didn’t eat and when i realise it, it was too late. Ive gotten very sick by then.
Someone is screaming. Its so loud, the lights so bright. Why wont the screaming stop? Why wont anyone help her? Why does she keep sounding more helpless? I felt my body being dragged. It hurts. I want to stop it but i cant. I felt myself being hoisted up onto smthg. Slowly i open my eyes. Bright lights. White ceilings. Bleach smell. Where am i? Hospital of course. Isnt that the only answer for qns asked in such circumstances? But why, why am i here? Before i can answer my hand was being poked. By smthg very sharp and of course very thick. I lift my hand up but i could not. It felt so heavy. A beautiful face looked at me. “You’re safe now my dear. You collapsed. This drip will keep you hydrated”.
The coughing was bad. The fever never got down. The gastric pains made it difficult to sleep. Finally i was admitted. I missed sch alot and i worry. But i know i shouldn’t cause it will only make my situation worse. Now im home and im feeling better. All those meds, drips, antibiotics that has been injected all over my body is finally working. I really want to go to sch but i could barely stand still to bathe, let alone go to sch walk up and down. So here i sit, for the next one week at home with nothing specific to do. I am less worried now, ive placed O at the back of my mind. Im trying to live with seeing 15 pts but i want to do better of cors. I don’t want to stress myself up. I cant be sick when the exams are here. I don’t want to wait another year to do O. Actually i don’t mind but the thought of my friends moving one year ahead than me in life makes me shiver. One year is a long time, very long time. I’d have to do sports day, speech days, experiments, tests and every other thg again. I don’t knw if i can manage it.
Today i took out my overdue hmwks and tried doing some. But i couldn’t. After the few qns, i had to put it down. My brain hurts. Even i couldn’t believe it. But thats what happen. I couldn’t continue studying, i had no more energy left. At that moment, i felt envy. Alot more other people out there who are well and fine and perfectly healthy yet they don’t want to study. I felt anger. Why cant they be sick and suffering while i have the strength to study and go to sch? I don’t think they don’t mind not studying, they aren’t now. So why must it be me whose sick, why cant it be these ppl who just plainly refuse to study who are sick? Is it so difficult, to just study and pass and move on and do smthg productive with your life? Dont they realise the value of their life? And there they are, jst throwing it away, refusing to study. Maybe they feel that their parents will always be there for them, to give them the money. Well what if they have their own child, with what money will they support the child with? Oh i guess the ans is simple, don’t have children right? Okay what abt when u grow old and get really sick, where will the money for medicine come from? I want to study and be successful and get alot of money so i can repay my parents, so i can enjoy my retirement. Why am i sick, why cant those who dont value education be sick? Haish, i feel so ashamed of myself to think this way. Of course there’s a reason why god make such things happen. But the pain, the anger, the resentment is so overwhelming. But.. it doesn’t mean I have any rights to wish for others to be ill.
I'm sorry.