Hi yesterday i got my results. And my heart fell. I tried so hard, i practiced so much but my maths is still at the same grade. I felt so stupid. I have a tuition teacher and despite all the practice and all that she taught me, i never seem to get it right. My science, its my own fault cus i really didnt study. I was complacent. Mentang2 turon dari pure, confident ah tak blaja boleh dpt A for combined. But i was worse than i expected. I know its my own fault and i regret not studying but nasi dah menjadi bubur. I wanted to cry but i had to hold up. I cant give up, i had to do better. Not for anyone's sake. But mine.
When i got back, my mom asked me for my results. She looked at me with such hope and expecting an answer. I smiled at her and told her i was tired. I went for a bath and soon to bed. I avoided cause i didnt want to tell her. I cant stand the look on her face when i tell her my result. She had such high hopes for me. Yet i destroyed all of it without a second thought. Yesterday i suddenly woke up at midnight and i saw her stressing over her undone word. I cried to sleep after that. She worked so hard to send me to school and buy me all the things i want and yet this is how i repay her. I dont knw how other students can do it, i dont knw how they can fail and yet not do anythg abt it. I wonder if they realise what their parents go thru in a days work, how hard their parents work to send them to sch, to buy the things they want. Dont they realise how much their parents have sacrificed for them? I realise it and i feel so bad. Idk how im gonna face my parents after this. Permintaan dorang tak banyak, cume untuk i cemerlang dalam pelajaran. Semue i nak dorang kasi, baju beg laptop handphone and terutamenye, kasih sayang. Tapi permintaan drg yg sikit ni je, berbanding dgn semue permintaan i, i tak leh kasi. Anak mcm ape i ni? ):
I feel as if i have failed my parents. I feel so bad that i cant look at them. I am ashamed for not trying harder and passing better. Guess i've got to work harder from now on ;')
Yesterday was Mat's birthday. Things are so different between us now, we're at different places leading different path. Its been two years now since i've known him. It has been a long bumpy roller coaster crazy ride and i know i've given my best. Its about time i really forget. I am going pack it all up and let it go. Easier said than done, but ive got to start somewhere. Soon, not long now, i'll be over it and be at a better place.
It takes two to work a relationship. I have been so busy with myself and everyone else that i forget all about you. I thought it was you that cause all this. I've been too egoistic to realise it all. Now that you're gone, it dawns to me that i brought this upon us. Since morning, the guilt has been nagging non-stop in my head. I try to make it disappear but it just keep getting louder. You mean so much to me and now that you're not here, how can i tell you and let you know? I am sorry, its all my fault, i should have looked harder ):
Mdm JL told us that even if we dont have love, or money, or health, we still have options. I believe that i can make a change, fix broken relationships and heart, renew old hopes, create new dreams and take a leap of faith, if i want to. Through all this i grow and with age, comes maturity.
All this that has happen has a reason behind it. What im going thru might not be as bad as what you're going thru but its how i handle that makes me so much better than you.
I watched The Notebook, Message In A Bottle and Titanic. Im sad enough, i shall cry myself to sleep. And all because i dont want to think of you.